I’ve spent a lot of time over the years talking about boundaries. I’ve written about them. Taught them. Wrestled with them personally and professionally. I even created a Boundaries in Leadership Toolkit specifically to help leaders think through how they set, communicate, and maintain boundaries with their teams (you can find that here if you’re curious:
https://www.lisaconradi.com/boundaries-in-leadership-a-trauma-informed-self-assessment).

That work still matters deeply to me. Clear, consistent, compassionate boundaries are essential—especially in leadership and caregiving roles.

But today, I want to talk about a different layer of boundaries. One that often comes before words. One that doesn’t rely on policies, scripts, or conversations—at least not initially.

Today, we’re talking about energetic boundaries.

What Are Energetic Boundaries?

Energetic boundaries are the internal limits we set around our attention, emotional labor, responsibility, and nervous system energy. They’re not about what you say out loud. They’re about what you carry. Energetic boundaries govern things like:

• What emotions you absorb versus notice
• What urgency you take on versus observe
• What responsibility you claim versus return
• How available you are internally, even when you are physically present

They live in the body and nervous system more than in language. Often, they show up as a felt shift rather than an explicit action. You can have strong energetic boundaries even when nothing externally changes. And conversely, you can say all the “right” boundary words while still energetically over-functioning, over-absorbing, or over-giving.

Energetic boundaries answer a quieter question:
“What is mine to hold—and what is not?”

Why Energetic Boundaries Matter (Especially for Caring Humans)

If you are:

• A leader
• A helper
• A caregiver
• A therapist
• A parent
• A deeply empathic person

…you likely learned early on to track other people’s emotions closely. You may be very skilled at sensing:

• Tension in the room
• Unspoken expectations
• Discomfort, disappointment, or frustration in others

That sensitivity can be a gift. But without energetic boundaries, it can also become exhausting. Without them, we often:

• Take responsibility for other people’s feelings
• Feel compelled to fix, soothe, or rescue
• React to urgency that isn’t actually ours
• Override our own limits in the name of being “helpful”

Energetic boundaries help us stay connected without being consumed.

How Energetic Boundaries Shift Your Behavior First

One of the most important things to understand about energetic boundaries is this:

They primarily change you.

They don’t rely on other people cooperating.
They don’t require immediate buy-in.
They don’t depend on perfect communication.

Instead, they subtly—but powerfully—shift:

• How quickly you respond
• How much emotional weight you carry
• How you interpret other people’s reactions
• What you feel compelled to do next

For example:

• You pause before responding to an urgent email instead of reacting immediately.
• You notice someone’s frustration without assuming it’s yours to fix.
• You allow silence to exist without rushing to fill it.
• You offer support without over-explaining or over-functioning.

Over time, these internal shifts often change the relational field. People adjust. Expectations recalibrate. Dynamics soften or reorganize.

Not because you demanded it.
But because you showed up differently.

Why Energetic Boundaries Can Feel Uncomfortable at First

For many of us, energetic boundary work can feel surprisingly hard. That’s because we were often rewarded—explicitly or implicitly—for being:

• Responsive
• Available
• Emotionally attuned
• Self-sacrificing

We may have learned that:

• Saying no (even internally) is selfish
• Pausing is a form of disengagement
• Letting others feel discomfort is unkind
• Our worth is tied to how much we carry

Energetic boundaries ask us to tolerate something new:

• The discomfort of not fixing
• The uncertainty of not managing
• The vulnerability of letting others have their own reactions

This doesn’t make you cold.
It makes you regulated.

Strategies for Setting Energetic Boundaries

Energetic boundaries are practiced in small, repeatable moments. Here are a few gentle ways to begin.

1. Name What’s Yours (Silently)

When you feel activated, overwhelmed, or pulled:

• Pause.
• Ask yourself: What part of this is actually mine?

Sometimes the answer is:

• My response
• My tone
• My decision
• My capacity

And sometimes the answer is:

• Not this feeling
• Not this urgency
• Not this outcome

You don’t need to announce this out loud. The nervous system registers the distinction.

2. Slow Down the Moment of Response

Urgency is one of the biggest boundary eroders.

Energetic boundaries often sound like:

• “I don’t need to respond right now.”
• “I can take a breath first.”
• “I can come back to this.”

Even a few seconds of pause can interrupt automatic over-giving.

3. Let Other People Have Their Feelings

This one is big—and often uncomfortable.

Energetic boundaries allow:

• Disappointment without immediate repair
• Frustration without rescue
• Anxiety without absorption

You can care without carrying.

4. Notice Where You Over-Explain

Over-explaining is often a sign that energetic boundaries are thin. It can be a way of:

• Managing others’ reactions
• Preempting disappointment
• Seeking permission to have limits

Energetic boundaries don’t require justification.

5. Use the Body as an Anchor

Energetic boundaries are easier when the body feels grounded. Practices like:

• Planting your feet
• Softening your shoulders
• Slowing your breath
• Creating physical space

…can help signal to your nervous system: I am here, and I am not overwhelmed.

When Energetic Boundaries Are Enough—and When They’re Not

Here’s the nuance that matters:

Energetic boundaries are powerful.
But they are not a replacement for clear communication when communication is needed.

Sometimes, shifting your internal stance is enough to change a dynamic.
And sometimes, it isn’t.

You may still need to:

• Name a pattern
• Clarify expectations
• Set a behavioral boundary
• Have a direct conversation

Energetic boundaries help you enter those conversations more grounded, less reactive, and less fused.

They don’t eliminate the need for words.
They make the words cleaner.

How Do You Know If Energetic Boundaries Are Enough?

One of the most common questions I hear when people begin working with energetic boundaries is some version of:
How do I know if this is working—or if I actually need to say something?

There isn’t a single answer, but there are signals.

Energetic boundaries may be enough when:

• You feel more regulated, even if the situation hasn’t changed
• Your resentment decreases, even without a conversation
• You’re no longer ruminating or rehearsing what you should say
• You can stay present without bracing, fixing, or withdrawing

In these moments, the boundary is doing its job internally. The relationship may still be imperfect, but you are no longer overextended inside it.

However, energetic boundaries are not enough when:

• You continue to feel activated or dysregulated long after interactions
• The same pattern keeps repeating without any shift
• Your body signals ongoing stress (tightness, dread, exhaustion)
• You notice yourself shrinking, avoiding, or self-silencing to maintain peace

When your nervous system stays on high alert, that’s information—not a failure. It may be signaling that an internal boundary needs support from an external one. Energetic boundaries can clarify what needs to be said. They don’t always remove the need to say it.

Creating Energetic Boundaries in the Body

Because energetic boundaries live in the nervous system, the body is often the most effective place to work with them. A few simple practices can help:

• Orient physically: Before or during an interaction, notice where your body ends and the other person begins. Press your feet into the ground or your back into the chair to reinforce that separation.
• Soften the front body: Many of us brace through the chest or belly when anticipating discomfort. Gently softening these areas can reduce reactivity without collapsing.
• Contain your breath: Slowing the exhale—especially through the nose—signals safety and reduces the urge to manage or rush.
• Use micro-movements: Subtle actions like placing a hand on your leg or adjusting your posture can help anchor you back into your own body when energy starts to leak outward.

These practices don’t make conversations unnecessary—but they can make them more grounded. When energetic boundaries are embodied, tough conversations tend to come from clarity rather than charge. And when that happens, they’re often received differently—not because the content is softer, but because the energy behind it is steadier.

Energetic Boundaries in Leadership

In leadership roles, energetic boundaries are especially important. Without them, leaders often:

• Take on emotional responsibility for the entire team
• Feel personally destabilized by staff reactions
• Over-function during times of stress or change

With energetic boundaries, leaders can:

• Stay present without over-absorbing
• Hold steady during uncertainty
• Model regulation rather than urgency
• Create psychological safety through consistency

People often feel safer—not less cared for—when leaders are grounded.

A Reframe: Energetic Boundaries as Care

Energetic boundaries are not about shutting people out.
They are about staying in relationship without losing yourself.

They allow you to:

• Offer care without depletion
• Lead without self-abandonment
• Support without over-identifying

In many ways, they are an act of deep respect:

• Respect for your own nervous system
• Respect for others’ capacity to manage their own experience

A Gentle Practice Invitation

This week, I invite you to notice one moment a day where you feel pulled to take on more than is yours.

When that moment comes:

• Pause.
• Take one slow breath.
• Silently name: This is not all mine to carry.

Then choose your next action from that place.

That choice—small as it may seem—is the beginning of an energetic boundary.

And over time, those small internal shifts can change how you show up, how others respond, and how sustainable your care truly becomes.

What I’m Loving This Week

Sound:
Gentle background music while working—enough to soften the edges without pulling me out of my body.

Practice:
Energetic boundaries as a moment-by-moment check-in: Is this mine to carry? and What happens if I stay with myself right here?

Tool:
A hand-to-body cue (hand on thigh or heart) during conversations that feel charged—just enough to remind my nervous system where I end and someone else begins.

Quote:
“You don’t have to carry what isn’t yours.”

Song:
Brave by Sara Bareilles

I’ve come back to this song again and again over the years, but lately it’s landing in a new way. “Say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out” feels less like a call to be loud and more like an invitation to be true—rooted, clear, and self-respecting. For me, bravery right now isn’t about pushing past fear; it’s about staying grounded enough to speak when something actually needs to be said… and knowing when it doesn’t.